The grass on the other side

I used to be drawn to the loud and charismatic. Leaders that knew how to tug on the heart-strings, get emotions flowing, get excitement boiling.
I don't any more. My experience with so many of those leaders were, that so much of all that, was just hype. I still had to go home and figure stuff out in my context, which is and always will be; ordinary life. The pseudo universe or other dimension of everything is fine and will just get better had crashed in on me. I needed to find God in ordinary life, driving the kids to school, my kids having friendship issues with the kids on our street,I needed for the pile of dishes on my sink to somehow remind me about where God was in my life, I needed time to cultivate friendships in our busy lifestyle, I needed things to make some sort of sense on Monday morning as I went to work, I needed to be connected to people who cared about me not just the gifts I was bringing for service. I was so tired of always talking about healing that may or may not have happened, all this supposedly miraculous stuff, I was being so set on the miraculous, that I had forgotten to stop and enjoy my son running around in a superman costume, my daughter's beautiful little drawings, the almost angelic little giggles from my youngest son. I felt as if there was no oxygen, I couldn't breathe. Add to that the constant pressure for the church to grow, to think big, raising money and for people to see how shiny we were. The strange dynamic of leadership; always needing more leaders and never being satisfied with the depth of leaders we got. Time had become such a rarity. We never had time to do what we needed to do well, we didn't have time to reflect, for things to change. All this taking place to the chants of a very disconnected leadership core. There was a class difference. Leaders were in a separate group, we led not so much by example as we led from pedestals. "You to can be a leaders as I am" if you are willing to forget your marriage at times, your kids, your friends your neighborhood. Rules were different for the different classes; leaders could adapt a strictly business mindset but others were not allowed to. Leaders could say things in a "our way or the highway" attitude, others could not. That would have been considered a spirit of rebellion or independence. So all this led me to a place of desperation, I needed time, I needed life but most of all I needed OUT.

I will try to soon write something about what I found on the other side but let me start with this. The grass was greener, plus there were some shade trees, some fresh air, some cold fresh water....